20 posts tagged “existentialism”

We have, you know. And here we are now, all of us, in this space of time looking at each other through words on a screen, or in person when we hug, or passing others through the windows of our cars which are only illusory windows. Because we have always been and still are a part of each other... and we always will.

"We have always been", 9" x 14 1/2", watercolor with ink and pastel.

"Amidst". Watercolor, ink and pastel, approx. 12"x18":

Stray. It's been the word to describe a lot of life within our home. Our children are straying from the safety of the known as their curiosity leads them to new places, new discoveries, new behaviors. This is exciting to see as they stretch their limbs and gain confidence. This is frustrating as our three-and-a-half-year-old tries out the reigns of control in literally every area, every waking minute of the day. This kind of straying away from the safety net of his mother's and father's words will grow into confidence and self-awareness of what is kind, unkind, right, wrong, important, less important, etc. The two adults in the house sigh, shrug and do lots of deep breathing. As fierce as the discovery of independence is, so is Jaz' desire to  pour out love and and kisses and hugs like a waterfall upon us all. A very thunderous waterfall. Heh.

Stray animals are flocking to our back yard and I am not sure why. A robin with a broken wing was discovered two days ago by the childrens' swingset. I tried to think of the best choice for this hurting creature. Do I bring him inside? Do I call animal control? Do I assist in his death (no, no, no), Do I create a box for him? In the end, I decided he was a wild creature and even in his discomfort, it would be best to allow him the dignity of what he knows in nature. I let him be. It was a beautiful day and our yard provided him with many insects and plump earthworms and warm sunshine in his last hours. Today, my husband discovered two kittens by our shed. Their mother, not far off, came to retrieve one of them, but alas, the other was left behind. We were informed by our neighbor that their is a woman down the road who is a self-designated caretaker of all stray animals. We bundled up the little, white, furry creature and walked to her home. But she was not there. So, today, we are caring for an additional, temporary member of our family.

 

I stray from what I know artistically, step back and analyze the damage/growth. There have been a lot of failed attempts, and I am prepared to post them today. If you are an aspiring artist like me, maybe it will help you to see someone else in the process and making mistakes. See tagged images below. I've had a lot of feedback and most of it has been very interesting. The direction the art seems to be taking is one of abstraction. The abstract and automatism is taking precedence over the characters. The human elements are many times melting or floating away into the background. If the characters are front and center, then they most likely serve the purpose of drawing the eye toward the abstract, cellular and scrawling lines. These are the pieces that speak the most to me. As always, it will go where it wants to go. It will help me stray away to a different place.

The following is in progress:

In so many ways, life can be a fumbling around kind of thing. I think it is this way most of the time. More specifically, every facet of life is about learning and here I am in the crux of it - parenting, marriage, personal growth, spirituality, body starting to show signs of age - and in my later thirties, not feeling any closer to the answers. In fact, I think that there really aren't many answers and that in and of itself is a strangely comforting finality. There was a spiritual road I took for most of my life which asserted there were lots of answers and lots of truths and lots of things I should be and wasn't yet. I bailed out of that, realizing there could only be just a few truths, if there were going to be any at all and I certainly would never be even close to attaining its kind of ideals. And I didn't want to anymore. It was hard to realize and admit that the system was a closed one. It was a system which created its own problems that could only be solved by its own answers. One day I realized I quite stood outside of that system. I awoke and didn't feel so bad anymore. God loved me.

Tonight, I stood in my shoebox-sized studio and looked around. I saw many paintings which had failed my ideals. I started to feel very overwhelmed and the thought occurred to me that I might be attempting silly things. Perhaps my ventures might be for another time or maybe not at all. But something clicked, or rather, snapped. I smiled and realized I am attempting to learn a lot of things. I am learning. I am learning to work with three mediums - watercolor, pastel and ink - all at the same time. I am learning to be myself at the same time that I am a wife, mother. This is something that women, that I, don't alway care enough about and I have sometimes told myself to martyr who I am and put my independence away for later. That notion doesn't feel right and deep inside I know how important it is to be a full human, to eek out the bits of time to do this. Tonight, I pushed away some old ghosts of a spiritual past and it felt good to rethink the failures and understand what they really are - precious moments of existence.

Where we find ourselves in each day, within our own minds is such a diverse thing. That is why I like each new day. When I wake, I always hope to experience something new. And that always seems to happen. I've joked about being an "experience junky", but it is actually true. I don't mind the idea of growing old (40 aint so far away anymore) because of this.

"We are" :

the depths of our own human spirits are such a mystery... so it puzzles me greater to watch two other humans, fresh on the scene. i ponder, keep quiet, listen to people describe what childhood is, or what their children are. same thing occurs to me every time, "yes, but do you really know? do  you even know yourself fully?" the answer is obvious to me, but maybe i'm strange. i could say i really know myself, but time and again i've proven myself wrong because life is always full of new information and changes and epiphany and hardships, and all that makes up this path i can't predict. and how i react each time might call for something different. now, here are my children before me. they are so vibrantly alive in their sensations, how they meet the world. they are doe-eyed, sweet, confused, bumbling, silly, full of young ferocity... what emerges in me is a sense that it is all new all the time for all of us, young or old. someone could counter that notion, i'm sure. but i would have to respond, or maybe just think to myself, are you really listening to your world, the one inside of you and the one outside?

i was surfing around looking at obama links, because i wanted to read up on his views on gay rights. quite by accident i stumbled upon "how to be a good democrat".  the stuff on obama is ridiculous and, in my opinion, quite racist. i'm not seething, but i am sort of chuckling in a not-so-chuckling way. there is an extreme right-wing out there that is not only counterproductive, but dangerous for us and our children. i don't think i am a closed-off person, and i'll listen to just about anything with an attitude that i might learn something new. however, this takes the cake. erm.

here's a little something to help you clear your mind and take yourself to a happy place:

now that you've recovered, onto more cheerful stuff. it's been an interesting weekend. the kids and the hubby and i have enjoyed playing, walking the neighborhood in sunnier weather and generally drinking as much french-pressed coffee as we can manage. on another coffee-note, while the kids napped, i walked over to our local coffeehouse. as i pushed the door open, wafts of incense surrounded me and voila! i was surrounded by Tibetan Buddhist monks. david, the owner of our local chain of coffeehouses is an extensive traveler, specifically in asia, as well as a practicing Buddhist. he was hosting a leg of a journey for five monks, allowing them to sell their handmade goods and speak with people about their beliefs. after i purchased a mocha, i realized the monks and most of the customers had been sucked into back room wherein a mandala lay beautifully created upon a little wooden table. they began a puja, a Buddhist ceremony of devotion. i was asked by a smiling older woman if i would like to take off my shoes and come in. uh-yeah! being the experience-junky that i am, i couldn't pass up an opportunity to be a part of something i've never seen before. it was a completely visceral experience. the room was doused in smoke. the monks' chanting resonated so loudly, it blocked out all other sounds. it hardly seemed possible a human could create such a deep emination. cymbals and bells rang through the smoke and oil was drizzled upon sacred objects. i watched the monks gently furl and unfurl their fingers as they spoke their prayers for peace and unity. what a mystifying and beautiful practice. i didn't pretend to be one of them or fold my hands or sit in a lotus position; i just watched. intensely. i was truly moved. afterwards, the mandala was dismantled and the sand was collected into small bags. these bags were given out to each one of us if we so chose. i sat before one of the monks and he placed one into my hand and i took it home. another memory. something i won't forget.

sometimes i come across the most intriguing things in life; at that moment i realize that life is inviting me deeper into itself. and i all i can respond is, yes, i want be a part of this moment.

what happens if i do this?

it seems my small family has adopted this mind frame lately. exploring new creativity, asking ourselves to delve further. the children are discovering where the edges are and where is the middleground. tweaking life as we go. experiments with thoughts and ideas, creativity... and doing this all simultaneously in our own way. i caught lucas looking at his own hands today, then moving them together and apart, curling his fingers inward. the expression was, well, one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen. utter disbelief/fascination. jaz continues to ask the questions and make statements i would think fitting of a great philosopher:  god is everywhere, mama. he is very, very big. and he is inside of me. he is very, very small too.

we are practicing the "spaghetti experiment" as my husband calls it; throw ideas against a wall and see what sticks.

 

today, i finished a small painting. the outcome was not completely satisfying because the balance was way off-kilter, however there were small elements within the picture i loved. and so it will go that in my next painting i will take those small elements and try them again and see what they do. down another path.

i see many of my friends at a similar place in life. trying new things in life, but moving in a direction that is sometimes almost oppositional to how they were raised. experimenting with new careers. taking big risks and staying true to their hearts. asking larger questions. maybe i've just never noticed it before now.

no one can tell me there is a pat answer for how my life must be lived or why. yet, i've listened for so many years in the past to all of those voices, thinking, though their ideas didn't seem right, maybe they know better than me. but they don't. we each have a voice of our own and we know what it sounds like. it is a very private philosophical and spiritual matter. for me at least. when i stray from this, i get so confused. luckily, i only need to watch my children and then i feel home again within myself.

for the fourth time i will attempt to post my revolutions for 2008. it seems i keep writing, then reflect back and find what i've said to be vague or even worse, trite. though that is not at all what i mean to convey. i guess i'm over-thinking my words. so here goes again...

2008:
1. listen to the inner voice that reveals God to me.  don't be discouraged by outside forces.
2. along with that, enjoy and focus on the religious liberation discovered at the end of 2007 - there is no church or set of dogmas that can override the true beauty of realizing the creator's love in even the very smallest part of my ever day life.
3. find new ways to convey love to my husband. this is a new chapter of life: married with children. don't forget that we are "we" still.
4. be transparent to my children and open to what we have to teach each other. 
5. figure out what i desire to do artistically and follow those paths wherever they may lead: music, painting, drawing, writing, photography, journaling, sculpture. i've gotten away from these areas due to major life changes, becoming a new mom....
6. people are the image of God; find beauty and love in people, not negativity and distrust. always an ongoing work for me.
7. allow this new house to be more of an expression of who we are as a family. it takes a while for me to settle into a new house.
8. get better at snail-mail communication. i renew this resolution every year. alas.
9. continue to investigate the philosophy of existentialism
10. keep off the weight and tighten up!
11. find important ways i can personally be involved in causes which make the world a better place, both locally and globally. make sure these are places where my family can feel just as invested. another reason for this - i want to be sure both children grow up with a big world-view. my husband and i are considering PLAN USA for sponsoring a child. i'm always open to suggestions from you who consider this a part of your family life; i'd love to know what you do. in a couple of years, we hope to be able to travel internationally with the children. i think it's so important to for children to see more than their own back yard if that is an option.

so there they are. already this year, i feel excitement about new things happening. i love new beginnings.

i must correct a mistake i made in an earlier post, people in boxes. i stated that Glenn Raucher was the author of Cult of Personality. Annie Murphy Paul is the author of both books, The Cult of Personality and The Cult of Personality Testing. thank you to Glenn for the clarification!